In the Desperation (Find You Book 1) Read online

  Gavin’s sleep-roughened snorts as he pulled himself back to wakefulness seemed to startle the poor thing, and he flew off a moment later, leaving me only to reflect on my mate as he rejoined the land of the conscious.

  His hair was soft and tousled and chestnut brown. His lips were parted, soft exhales coming from his chest, the pattern broken when his pink tongue came out to wet his lips. My mark at his shoulder had healed overnight, leaving the indent of my teeth as a bonding scar. In sleep, he sprawled across the mouth of the cave, shielding me with his body from anything - or anyone - that might come upon us during the night.

  It was still early. But the fire had gone out, and while Gavin’s body heat was enticing, it wasn’t enough to feel fully warm. When I sat up to stretch, feeling the movement down into my well-used backside, I could see the faint puffs of mist off my breath.

  Right, then. It was time to shift. I’d be warmer in my wolven form, for sure.

  Gavin blinked one eye open as I became wolf again, and it was only a moment later that he stood beside me, shaking out his ruff and wagging his tail, tongue lolling at the side of his mouth as a sign of his good humor.

  I didn’t have a lot of room to work with in the cave, but I darted forward, dragging my tongue across his maw in a parody of a morning kiss. Gavin snapped his jaws at me playfully and we were off, frivolling in the early morning sunshine.

  We didn’t stray far from the cave, but I streaked ahead, bounding through the surrounding brush with my mate hot on my heels. It didn’t take long for him to catch me, pouncing and rolling us across the ground. I bit down on his ear in retaliation.

  It was fun and relaxing. I hadn’t had a chance to feel so connected and at peace with my second form in months - years, maybe - and as Gavin spun in a circle, trying to catch his tail, it sank into me just how amazing I felt. My body felt lax, loose, open. The tightness in my chest had disappeared. Power thrummed in my veins - not the power of wanting to conquer, but the power of pure being in a world that often tried to dim what it meant to be alive. It was a shame that humans were never able to experience this interconnectedness of being - at least not on the level of a shifter.

  Eventually reality crept in around the edges. My play feints became less gregarious and my reflexes against his pounces and slobbery-muzzle attacks slower as the guilt began to curdle in my stomach.

  It was normal for a newly mated couple to disappear for a week as the bond between them settled and grew. Days of fucking and playing, eating and resting. Even now I could feel the expected short mating heat begin to take root in my body, making me even more receptive to Gavin’s advances.

  But I had a pack out there, a pack in trouble. I didn’t know if Riley or Sara were okay, or if they’d been caught. I knew less of the other pack omegas, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t care about them as well.

  Gavin picked up easily on my dampening spirits, and he gently herded me back toward the cave.

  “I need to go back,” I said after I shifted back. “I don’t know what’s happened to my pack, and I’m afraid for my cousins.”

  We’d discussed the situation briefly the night before in between rounds of sex; it was enough for Gavin to know right away what I was talking about.

  “Alright,” he agreed, but there was a shadow over his face.

  “I’m sorry,” I offered up. “I know that this isn’t… the way things should be…”

  He shook his head and bent forward to place a light kiss on my lips, distracting me from further apologies. “It’s not that,” he said. “There’s something that we should talk about, but it can wait a little longer.”

  I nodded, relieved. It was tempting - so tempting - to demand to know what he meant. After all, he’d literally appeared from thin air, and realistically, I knew he had to have come from somewhere. Who knows what he’d been in the middle of when the Moon Mother yanked him to me?

  At the same time, I thought that triage was probably a pretty valid decision here. It was probably wise to deal with one emergency at a time.

  Our joyful morning mood began to retract as we stole through the scenery, back to the pack grounds where they’d be expecting us and the other participants of the run. I expected to see other wolves along the way; but the land around us, though covered in scent trails and old tracks, was quiet.

  We were almost there when the wind shifted. With it brought the scents of many more alphas than I had seen last night… and someone else.

  Dad.

  Gavin stopped in his tracks, considering the new information brought to us on the wind. It was the sensible approach.

  I charged forward, instead. Wait! Gavin warned within my mind, but I paid him no heed. My father! I insisted.

  He darted after me, in time to see me skid to a halt at my dad’s feet like a recalcitrant pup.

  Dad looked at me.

  I looked at him.

  Then, with relief shuttering his expression, Dad swiped out his tongue to groom my head fur like I was twelve again instead of twenty two. #wolfproblems.

  I couldn’t even bring myself to be upset about it, not with the relief I felt. Because I recognized those other scents - the new ones. It wasn’t more of Lenny’s pack of invaders.

  It was reinforcements.

  Gavin came up to stand at my side; I was eager to introduce him to my dad, nudging at Gavin’s fur and prancing beside him. But my pride in my new mate would have to take a backseat: from the treeline spilled more wolves. And then there wasn’t time to do anything but fight.

  It was over quickly, but it didn’t feel that way. Our morning romp might have been playful and fun, but I was still tired from the night before. As the opposing wolves advanced, I rallied my strength, bolstered by Gavin’s growl and my dad’s snarl. There was a moment when I thought that Dad was about to turn on Gavin - it made sense, in light of what happened the night before - but then Gavin attacked the wolf that was gunning for Dad’s throat. That made a difference in the way Dad saw things.

  The scent of blood and the sound of snarls; I was sick of it.

  As an omega, I was generally considered more vulnerable. It’s not that I couldn’t fight if needed - and there were definitely some badass omegas out there who could bring an alpha to their knees with a swipe of their paws. But for the most part omegas were slightly smaller, no matter their secondary sex, and they preferred to nurture rather than to dominate. It made a difference in our skills, over time, and I could see how an unscrupulous alpha could see an omega as a weak link.

  But they’d have to get to me, first. Gavin and Dad should have been focusing on the fight; instead their primary goal was guarding me.

  I couldn’t say that I didn’t appreciate it. I did, very much; I wasn’t a fighter. But you should never underestimate an omega with something to lose - as the battle wound to a close, I was one of the last wolves to relinquish my prey.

  Don’t you dare attack my mate.

  CHAPTER NINE

  “Who are you?”

  I pulled the rough wool blanket tighter around my shoulders and groaned. Here we go…

  “Dad,” I started, but his eyes were focused sternly on Gavin. “Dad!” I tried again. I rolled my eyes. Alpha posturing. Yay. I stepped closer to Gavin and wrapped his arm around me, shivering with pleasure when he settled me more tightly against him.

  “Jay, you don’t have to stand there with him. It’s hard to break a bond, but I know of a witch that can -”

  “Where did you come from?” Sara interrupted, stepping up to the three of us and looking Gavin up and down suspiciously.

  I groaned. “Everyone, this is Gavin. Sara, you’re not going to recognize him. Dad, he’s not a bad guy, I promise. Sara, I did the rite I told you about. Moon Mother sent Gavin. We’re good. Keeping the bond because this -” I nipped at Gavin’s shoulder, “-alpha is all mine, and I will cut anyone who tries to get between us. Capiche?”

  Gavin cleared his throat. While the look he gave me was tender, I was pretty sure t
hat it meant some variation of, Sweetheart, relax. I can fight my own battles. I knew he could… I just. This was my family, and I wanted things to go as smoothly as possible.

  Gavin held out his hand for my father. “My name is Gavin Wade,” he said. “You’ve raised a fine son.”

  Dad took the hand, but the words caught him off guard. “Well, I…”

  Gavin smiled. “I know this must come as a shock, Mr. Barnes. However, being mated to Jay brings me the deepest pleasure. I want nothing more than his safety and happiness.”

  Moon-blessed or not, that was a hell of a claim to make the morning after you met someone. And yet, I didn’t doubt his sincerity. Neither, it seemed, did my dad.

  “Welcome to the family,” he said quietly, and clapped Gavin on the shoulder.

  I beamed.

  “I’d still like someone to fill me in on what exactly happened out there,” Dad warned.

  “Perhaps we could find someplace to shelter in first?” Gavin asked smoothly. “We’re all filthy, and I’m sure Jay could use something to drink and eat.” He looked around us; I followed his gaze. Sara and Riley’s brother, Bran, had assumed leadership of the pack upon his early return with the rest of the pack’s alphas. They were corralling the invaders to one side of the clearing. A few of our pack’s omegas bustled throughout, providing clothing and blankets to the pack’s wolves, as well as water and basic foodstuffs. We could eat and drink here, if we wanted, but it wasn’t necessary for us to remain on-site.

  “We can go back to Rose Cottage,” Dad said immediately.

  I winced. How was I supposed to tell him that I’d failed to secure our house?

  Sara read the look from my face. “Actually,” she said brightly, “I think we should go back to our house first. Let me just track down Riley!”

  We piled around the girls’ kitchen table while Riley made stacks of sandwiches and we finished bringing each other up to date on what had been going on. It turned out that Dad had needed to get in touch with me about a fellowship offer I’d received; when he couldn’t reach me via cell or through calling any of the house numbers he had for the pack, he started to get worried. He’d had Bran’s cell number from when Bran had passed through a few years ago and stayed at our place; a quick conference among the rest of the pack had the rest of them growing suspicious as well. They were due to come back within a few days anyway after securing and strengthening alliances all over the US and Canada; it was nothing to come back early just to set their minds at ease.

  Some of the alphas had seen the signals left out as they approached; some quick reconnaissance revealed most of what was happening. They’d taken back the pack lodge during the night.

  Sara told us that she had managed to evade the alphas after her during the night; she’d stuck to the plan. Riley reported that everything went alright on her end. I wasn’t so sure I believed her, though. She seemed… skittish, somehow.

  I spoke up about my decision to do the rite and what had come after… leaving out the more intimate parts, of course. Through it all, Gavin sat there patiently, speaking kindly and intelligently when it was warranted and being silent when it wasn’t. The very feel of him pressed against me was enough to warm me through - but I could tell that something was wrong.

  I couldn’t tell you how I knew it, only that the conversation I needed to have with Gavin was somehow more important to have right away than I thought it could be.

  I didn’t know where he’d come from before the Moon Mother had dropped him in the path of my enemy, so my mind raced with possibilities. Maybe he was a pack alpha himself - he certainly had the commanding presence for it - who had been preparing for territory negotiations.

  Or maybe he had infirm relatives to take care of, and so needed to get back to them - or bring them here - quickly. Maybe he was a lawyer due to try a huge case, or an actor who had just gotten his big break. He could be a schoolteacher or a firefighter or an accountant or a chef in some fancy restaurant.

  I hungered to know everything about him - but the mystery was intriguing, too.

  Until I actually pulled him aside.

  “I think we’re entitled to take a moment,” I murmured once I had the door to my bedroom shut behind us. When I turned back around, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to nestle against his chest. Mating bonds. They were heavy stuff.

  He pulled me closer, wrapping me in his arms and walking me slowly over to the wall. A bit kinky with my family in the other room, but hey - newly mated. The first flush of my mating heat was fully upon me, and I already felt a stirring ache for him. I definitely wouldn’t begrudge him another go right now.

  But instead of pulling me up against the hardness of his body, he cradled my head in his hands, softer than the kiss of the hard wood against my skull. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  “What is it?” I asked, breathless.

  He stole a heart-stopping kiss from me before he stood back, and the downcast of his eyes and the frown at his lips told me that I wasn’t going to like what he had to say.

  “When you called to the Moon Mother...” He paused, closing his mouth and clenching his jaw. “I was… well. I was dead, Jay.”

  I furrowed my brow. “Dead. Like… dead? From the burial grounds dead?”

  “Well, my body wasn’t actually buried there,” Gavin said. “But essentially, yes.”

  “Oh.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. What do you say to something like that?

  “But… you’re alive right now.” I drew my hands down his arms. They were warm, solid. The knot that split me open last night was certainly solid; I could still feel the lingering, decadent ache in my ass.

  “I am,” he assured me. “Living, breathing, back from the hereafter… but. I…” he trailed off. “What I’m trying to say is that I can’t stay, Jay. Not...this time, anyway. At the end of the full moon, the Moon Mother is going to call me back, and I won’t have any choice but to go.”

  I swallowed heavily, and an unpleasant shiver ran down my spine. “You mean she’s going to kill you?”

  “I don’t think so,” Gavin said. “More like, I’ll just cease to be. Like I was never here at all.”

  I shook my head. “No. No! She can’t do that. She wouldn’t! ...would she?”

  Gavin caught me up against his chest. With a start, I realized that there were tears pricking at the corner of my eyes. I wasn’t sure which emotion had tipped me over the edge. Was it the anger or the despair? The grief or the exhaustion?

  Why would she do that? Why would she answer my prayer only to take him away again? It didn’t make any sense. We were mated. We’d bonded. She’d sanctioned it herself! Last night my soul had literally fused with Gavin’s, and now she was going to tear him away?

  I must have been muttering aloud, because Gavin’s fingers swept the drops down my cheek. “Shh,” he soothed, and I pushed at his chest, angry.

  “No!” I said. “This is cruel. How dare she?”

  My words hung in the air. In the silence, I realized the heresy I’d just committed; I felt my rage begin to quiet. She dared because she had been the one to send him to me in the first place. She dared because she was the goddess who had first fashioned a human and a wolf together, merging them into one. She dared because she was the Moon Mother, and she kept her own counsel.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, and I hoped she understood.

  She probably did. She knew we were only mortal.

  “I can come back.”

  His words were gentle, but firm. There was no room for doubt in them.

  “If you want me, you can petition for me again. Samhain, when the veil between the worlds is thinnest.”

  I gaped at him. “Of course I want you!”

  His lips quirked up in a half smile. “Good.”

  I couldn’t help it. He was just… so much, in that moment. I snorted out a laugh.

  Shifter hearing. It was responsible for the dumbstruck look on my family’s f
aces as Gavin and I left my bedroom.

  “Let’s just go check out the house,” I muttered.

  But Dad shook his head. “Showers first.” He stepped forward to scent mark the top of my head and pull Gavin into a one-armed hug. “They’ll make you feel better.”

  He was right, but that didn’t stop me from being grumpy about it. Still, forty five minutes later we were ready to leave the house, freshly washed. The shower had helped. It was difficult to feel completely miserable when I had deliciously warm water sluicing all the grime off my skin and helping me to feel clean again. I blocked out everything else but the feel of the spray and Gavin’s wet skin against mine as I stood beneath the showerhead.